Just wondering why I'm still here

May 29, 2018

Have you ever feel that you're not okay but reality force you to stay okay? This city, the place I finished my study and work now, too stinky for me. It almost 5 years, too many memories and people I know here. The fact is, I have list people who I won't meet the most. 

I don't event know what kind of issue that attack me. I'm not happy in this city, too bored. I just want to get my bachelor degree in this city, and it's finished, not earn money like this. I want to move on, leave some memories behind, and start new life. 

Those feeling comes again after attacked me on this first year but it doesn't make me down now. I just...feel...not comfortable to doing what I want. I feel stuck in here, why I'm still here?

About people who I won't meet the most, I didn't hate them. It just, you know, you're not wanting to meet them for reasons. I always pray to not meet them in the coffee shop, public space, or anything. "Thanks God, they're not here." I whispered whenever I step my feet on the ground, in this city.

I don't event know why I must act like a coward :( I just wondering when I can leave this city soon. I can't feel the fresh air even I woke up in the morning, I always have mood swings, I don't event know why it happen to me. This feeling, attacking me, and I have to suffer this alone. 

Today, 23 May 2018, my mom's calling. She asking me about my days here, in this city. I said so so, as it used to be. I lied mom, I lied to my mom. The truth is, it's not so so, I'm not happy here and I want to leave this city soon. Like literally soon. 

I don't know why, but every single mother in this world seem know what her daughter feeling. My mom just said, "If Malang too cold for you, just come home. Your little sister & brother miss you, they need you here. Ok?"

I just answered "Ok" and then hang up the phone. I cried while I'm booking ticket to go home. Shit! I don't even know why I'm crying like a coward, this feeling too strong to hit me down. I sent email to my company to ask permission of my off day, I want to go home, I just need a little break. 

I'm still wondering. Why I'm still here? Somehow I just assumed, there's a thing that unfinished here and I have to get it done. It could be a mistake, sin, or even someone that I have to meet with. I've made mistake, sin, and new people. And then what? What makes me stay here? This city, too stinky by memories, and I can't breathe calmly.

I wish can leave this feeling as I can do before in this first year. But my priority wish, eventough the feeling gone, I still want to leave this city soon. No hard feeling, I didn't hate single thing in this planet, it just my issue that I have to fight alone.

After all, I feel blessed for everything I have now.

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