Let's start over again

April 19, 2017

I'm just staring my laptop for 20 minutes and keep asking why I'm doing useless things. Daritadi kerjaannya cuma open-close aplikasi, scroll up-down timeline, atau swap-swap story orang. Adakah sesuatu yang lebih berfaedah selain itu?

Don't expect too much to read this post. 

Idk why today so apes banget. Rencananya pengen nonton dan udah datengin dua bioskop tapi hasilnya sama; tiket sold out. Habis itu pulangnya kehujanan, niat pengen isi perut mampir ke padang murah tapi failed banget. Mana lauknya tinggal dikit, kuahnya encer gak berasa apa-apa. Duh gak nikmat banget deh. Demi menutup kekecawaan dan moodbostering, jadinya mampir ke Toast Story sebelah si padang murah. Ya lumayan lah drinking hot coffee and toast bread dikala hujan deras dan dinginnya pelukan angin di Malang. Apesnya, belum puas nongkrongnya udah diusir karena udah jam sepuluh. What's wrong with my day today :')

Btw, I'm back to my old routines. It has been almost couple week since I left my internship program, I stopped, for some reasons. No more morning wake up and no more task over deadline. Part of you free, but another problem come by. 

Idk why times went so fast. Actually my main problem is not only about how to graduate by finishing my thesis before the deadline, my target is at least June to get my shit done. But why, why, why, it's hard to gather any motivation to progress my thesis. What's wrong with me. Sometimes I angry, but to whom? You know how that feel, the feeling when you don't know who is the right person to be blame of. In fact, you're the main suspect.

Like everyday. my mom always asking me the same question. How was the progress? Can you estimate when you official graduate? My answer just the same, Insya Allah soon to be. This semester will be my last semester. Yes, say no more, the target is clear, my time is limited and I have to finish it quickly.

I'm still asking why I can't focus. Do I have hidden problem which I did not realized yet? If it yes, what it is? All pressure already hit me, it should be motivate me to run faster. But wait, what's wrong with me now?

All I need just write it down here. All my feeling. Thank's God I can wrote everything what's in my mind. It reduce my loneliness, idk why but feel grateful for it.

I want to start over again, just like press 'reset' button. 

I cut my hair. To see another new of me on mirror. That person, that women, who stare back on me by the mirror, seems like she need more smile, she have to hold tight her dream, don't ever loose it, no, never.

Anyway, you can't force yourself without making yourself happy and comfort first. I put my happiness above everything. If I bored to work with my thesis, get off, I closed it and find what I need. If I want to stop, I stopped. I want to eat, I eat. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I need time for my self, I travel alone without thinking any burden behind me. Enjoy your time, cause life is too short to think about tomorrow.

Instead of blaming and complaining, focus more on counting your blessings instead of talking about what's missing in your life. I'm in a "whatever happens, happens" mindset. I'm no longer going to force things. I'm gonna start letting go & allowing blessings to flow.

So, let's start it over again. A new beginning. Welcome it.

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