It's okay to be not okay

by - December 24, 2017



It has been end of year and I've nothing to be proud of. What I've done this current one year; nothing to be shared. 

Somehow I want to go back when I was 16 y.o. A girl who always open her laptop, everyday writing diary on her notes, remembering how beautiful her day was, and be positive to face the world.

My dream when I was 16 y.o, I want to be novelist. Everyday I finished my script. I have plenty of script. In a day, I can produce 30,000 words even more. And I know, it just a quantity, not quality. But still, that one thing I can be proud of.

I only remember, how fire I am to fly my dream way up. I just, remember it, not even feel it again. I wondering...where my shining spirit gone?

When I wasn 16 y.o, my curiusity is more than Albert Einsten does. I always read plenty of books, comics, watching movies. My English ability born not because course (it's expensive), but I always watching movie without subtitle. I'm happy to learn a lot, it feel joyful when you push your self to be more confident and figure out every single thing in front of your eyes.

But,

That shining spirit is gone. I lost my positive vibe, I lost my wonder things, I lost it. I become passive. No willing to do something. Feel like a trash and can not be recycle again. Such a damn mindset.

Don't worry. I'm fine. I have no intention to end my life. World just too beautiful if we leave behind, so we only do what should do and enjoy every shit we got. 

But, somehow, I get angry. I already prepare and plan it very well, my destiny. I sacrifice to give my dream about becoming novelist, I like to write but that dream won't garantee my life to be earn money, for real. I'm not sure, when I was 25 y.o, if I still stay on becoming a novelist, I still fight for my editor and only got very litle chance to get big royalty if my script published.

The thing is, in Indonesia, our beloved country; you can not buy a car or house if only become a novelist. It's not classic, it's fckng true. 

So I change my dream, I change my plan for life.I want some skill development that makes my career better after I graduated. I join one to another, invest my time and energy to be a person like "this". 

I create my self as ambitious girl. I've step out from my comfort zone. I've tried my best. But somehow the result not comes as expected.

And now I learned. I should take easy for my life. Try hard, work hard, and play hard. Find my balance to make life better. 

Maybe now I founded as failure. But every I fall, I learned."Ok Lidya. Maybe not now, let's try it again. Go go go!"

A single word that I always push my self, everything is gonne be okay. And, it's okay to be not okay. Nobody is perfect. But, we were always allowed to be perfect. With effort, spirit, and believe.

Let's see what 5 years ago back, you've been grown up, right? Now you know which one better for you. You look beautiful and handsome more than before. You look better, don't you see it?

So, what things to be afraid of? Think about something to be proud of. Do the best and try hard. Invest your time in a right place. Grow up, grow your mindset and be mature. And take easy for life, it kind and humble just like you. Yups, just like the way you smile now. It's sweet.

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